For those of you who are on Facebook, know that memories pop up to remind you of pictures or posts that you’ve posted in the past. Some might be from just a year ago, others multiple years in the past. As I’ve been going through this leap, I am constantly reminded about many amazing memories I have shared, and how great they have been.[Real quick, random statement that will make sense in a second; my Mom’s alarm on her phone goes off every night at 9:35 to remind us to get my Neupogen shot out of the fridge. Neupogen is a bone marrow stimulant to help my bone marrow recover after chemo.] Anyways, a couple weeks ago, Sydney and I were sitting in the living room, and Mom was doing something in the kitchen, (Poppa had already gone to bed). My Mom’s alarm went off, she pauses what she was doing and went to the fridge, got a vial out then went to the cabinet drawer and got the needle and syringe out, then just continued what she had been doing in the first place. Sydney looked at me and said, “Only if someone told you a year ago this is what life would be like in this family.” That statement, I think will stick with me for the rest of my life. I immediately thought to myself, “ONLY IF“.
None of this is meant in a negative way, because I truly love how God has changed my life but, only if.
Only if, I was able to be at TLU working on my sophomore year of college.
Only if, I was able to look at pictures and not be shocked STILL because I have no hair.
Only if, I was able to wake up in the mornings, as easy as before, instead of feeling like I have been in a fight with myself all through the night.
Only if, I was able to go places without a wheel chair and crutches.
Only if, I was able to step foot back out on the volleyball court with two “normal” legs.
Only if, I didn’t have to worry about germs, and getting sick EVERYWHERE I go.
Lastly, only if, I was able to wake up every morning with the mind set of a normal, healthy 19 year old. Instead of my mind set of fight, fight for my life to stay healthy, and fight to heal.
Again, I don’t mean these as negative “only if[s]”, but going back to those memories on Facebook I think to myself, “Only if, I had been prepared for this would my sacred memories be different”? I think I speak for most teenage/young adult patients (and maybe even some parents) that “only if”, we had known a year ago this is where our life would be today, things might have been a little different.
Would we have done some things differently?
Honestly, I don’t know, and I really don’t know if it matters. I say this because, I have chosen to look ahead, instead of behind.
What I do know is, if I could, I would have told myself to live each day as if it was MY “only if”. Make memories that I knew I was going to miss out on in college, play my last game differently with the four girls who are now seniors. I definitely would’ve had more late nights with Chelsea, Kaci, and Mercedes, and the list literally could go on for days.
When I talk about a lot of this, many people think I’m crazy. Of course, I am upset, but I truly could not be more blessed with all of the relationships I have been able to make, and for the new opportunities that God has put in front of me.
On a different note, just an update on how everything is going. I am doing great, just been very tired and my body has been very sore since my last chemo. I now only have 9 treatments left and I could not be more excited to finally be in the single digits!!!! WOOHOOO!! Leni is also doing great! Since I had my wound vac put on, the cuts that were not healing have made leaps and bounds. Hopefully not too much longer with “the vac”. As far as getting fit for my prosthetic, I met with Dr. Lewis about 2 weeks ago, and had more follow up x-rays. My hope was that when I met with her she would say it was time, and I could start the process, but reality is my bone is healing VERY slow due to chemo so we are now going to shoot for early December.
At this point, all we can do, is pray and know that God is in charge, and there is really no rushing Him, just go with the flow.
Thank you all for the continued prayers and support! I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel. AMEN!
“You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth.” Psalms 71:20